That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
