You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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