So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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