I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
