Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
