Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Boobs speak an international language.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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