the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
