you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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