So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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