I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
