I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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