1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
