Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Gay?
German.
Pity.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
