I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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