I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
