**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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