Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
