I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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