god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
