my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
