It's Friday. Sex?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
