I want to walk on stilts...naked
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
