my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We just shotgunned beers for America
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
