I wannas sexs uuuuu
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
