He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
