I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
