Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
it's like heaven, but drunker
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
