Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
