She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
