oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
