Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Vodka?
Forever.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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