My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
