Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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