The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Enjoy the penises
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
