drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
