just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
