Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
