I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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