Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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