i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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