Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
