areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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