I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Randomize
