remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
try to milk me bitch
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
