My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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