Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
