There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
