I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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