too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
