are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
