Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
